My 2-week winter break has been a real “retreat” for me - withdrawing from the real world (not totally though) and having my me-time at home. Silence and the internet have been my two best buddies. They made me reflect, ogle, decode, discover, lurk…and now, I feel soooo guilty. Why is that? **thinking** Maybe because I feel so unproductive. What makes one productive then? When one accomplishes something like finishing a task, right? If that’s the case then I should feel productive – I’ve done household chores (did heaps of laundry, been cooking, etc.) but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel fulfilled! Silly me. **sigh**
What’s wrong with me?
Something’s truly bothering me…yes, lately, I’ve been circling about the question of where I’m going (in terms of career, that is). I got innumerable good reasons why I don’t want to pursue teaching here anymore (I’ll try to write about it in another time because it’s a saga) and now that vacation is almost over, I’m in a state of panic-attack simply because I don’t want to go back to work anymore. Waaaaaaaahhhh…
If I don’t go back to work, what will I do then? I wanted to go back to school but I applied late so I failed to enroll on-time for the coming semester. Well, that’s the price of being overly indecisive. I made up my mind the last minute and this is what I got. I actually asked for a GO signal but it wasn’t there or perhaps I looked for it somewhere else or is this the sign? Does no enrolment mean staying in the teaching arena? Omigolly, it’s hard to decipher a sign. I’m truly puzzled now.
I wish life’s uncomplicated like that of children’s. Back then, I would just do the pintot-pintot (kinsa’y nangutot) if I don’t know what to do…But hey, wakey-wakey! That isn’t an option for me now.
Surely, I have concerns about work (unya na lagi kay long story) that’s why I don’t want to go back but I don’t want to give up right away. I am not a quitter!!! Or am I??? One part of me whispers: “Endure this…or just stay until you find another opportunity.” But the other part of me shouts: “You’re not happy! Leave and be merry! (doing nothing?) ”
Oh, what has this vacation done to me! This bumming state has become a comfort zone I guess. Mr. Idle is feeding the enticing scum in my head. Exorcise me! In the name of (love?)…I rebuke you, my lethargic self! Go away! Go away! Go far, far away to Neverland! And please, never come again!
Gosh, trying to fight personal demons is damn arduous! My greatest enemy is myself indeed.
What’s wrong with me?
Something’s truly bothering me…yes, lately, I’ve been circling about the question of where I’m going (in terms of career, that is). I got innumerable good reasons why I don’t want to pursue teaching here anymore (I’ll try to write about it in another time because it’s a saga) and now that vacation is almost over, I’m in a state of panic-attack simply because I don’t want to go back to work anymore. Waaaaaaaahhhh…
If I don’t go back to work, what will I do then? I wanted to go back to school but I applied late so I failed to enroll on-time for the coming semester. Well, that’s the price of being overly indecisive. I made up my mind the last minute and this is what I got. I actually asked for a GO signal but it wasn’t there or perhaps I looked for it somewhere else or is this the sign? Does no enrolment mean staying in the teaching arena? Omigolly, it’s hard to decipher a sign. I’m truly puzzled now.
I wish life’s uncomplicated like that of children’s. Back then, I would just do the pintot-pintot (kinsa’y nangutot) if I don’t know what to do…But hey, wakey-wakey! That isn’t an option for me now.
Surely, I have concerns about work (unya na lagi kay long story) that’s why I don’t want to go back but I don’t want to give up right away. I am not a quitter!!! Or am I??? One part of me whispers: “Endure this…or just stay until you find another opportunity.” But the other part of me shouts: “You’re not happy! Leave and be merry! (doing nothing?) ”
Oh, what has this vacation done to me! This bumming state has become a comfort zone I guess. Mr. Idle is feeding the enticing scum in my head. Exorcise me! In the name of (love?)…I rebuke you, my lethargic self! Go away! Go away! Go far, far away to Neverland! And please, never come again!
Gosh, trying to fight personal demons is damn arduous! My greatest enemy is myself indeed.
No comments:
Post a Comment