Sweeeetest

I received something very special the other day. Hubby placed the thingy where I could immediately find it upon waking up. He knows that the first thing I’ll do is turn the laptop on and so it was positioned on top of it. Surprise, surprise! It was sooo unexpected because this is the first card he ever gave to me during our 8 years together. Unbelievable? Well, he wrote me love letters through email so that explains why (pahangyoon nalang hehe)

Here it goes:

To my Mayang, my dearest wife,

Sorry I haven’t been very helpful lately.
I’ve been working with computers too much
that I get frustrated when I cannot solve problems.
Too much interaction with the machine might have made a machine out of me =)

I wish I could just wash your worries away
and repaint the smile on your face.
You’ve once been jolly and full of life;
Somehow worries cloud out the light in you.
I draw my strength from you.
What shakes you, magnifies within me.

I can’t pretend that I know so much about your feelings.
And as much as I wanted to be you hero,
I don’t have the faintest idea.
But I will be there/here for you.
And I will support you in ways that I can.
Don’t worry about it too much.
Let’s live our lives and be happy while we still can.
Our worries will multiply when we have kids.
Till then, no worries.

Know that you are the GREATEST person in my life. You are my world.

Love you very much,
D

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I was deeply touched **tears and sip-on dripped like mad**

Thank you so much D for all your patience and unwavering support. You’re my strength and my world too. Mwah!!! ** hugs and kisses**

Crazy or Lazy?

I’ve been really active these days in the “virtual” world, that is – updating my multiply, blogging, learning web layouts, chatting, and so on… The luxury of time is in my hands right now because *uhhmmmm*… I resigned!? Gosh, why am I so reluctant in saying it? The truth is, I’m not sure if that decision is sensible. (ding, ding, ding! guilty!)

My “hopeless” case is causing my self-esteem and sanity to dwindle. That side of my life is too stinky to stick around. So, I just wanted to stop and hope to smell the roses.

Now, I’m just chillaxing (chill+relax) around and having a fabulous time at home; Enjoying every moment of joblessness! It feels great to sleep in my bed, wake up whenever I want and do whatever that suits my fancy. I am good at entertaining myself (my autistic talent) so I don’t feel that being a homebody is a humdrum. Not at all.

In the contrary, as days passed by, this uncanny part of me (a.k.a. conscience?) is condemning my lethargic self because I’ve succumbed to idleness and there’s nothing positive emerging from this hibernation state. It’s like I am escaping and not facing the problem. What am I doing to solve it? Niets. Niente. Nada. Nothing.

Golly, am I going lazy…or crazy??? Neither one is something I can be proud of (but at least it rhymes)…Waaaahhhhh…SOS! or SMS! (Save My Sluggish-self) rather.

Paradox

Someone forwarded me this message and there's no info about who wrote it. Anyway, I'm just posting this because I find it soooo true:

The paradox of our time in history is that
we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less,
we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families,
more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense,
more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information,
to produce more copies than ever,
but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character,
steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce,
fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies,
and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

Pointless

Worrying is pointless. Why I am wasting too much time on this? I throw too many questions when I know that I cannot get clear answers. I’ve been looking for signs, believing that I am just like a driver, regulated by traffic lights. Green for go, yellow for slow down and red for stop. Surely, this isn’t the case. I’ve been seeing different colors everywhere. Life isn’t black and white in fact.

If life is a maze then I might be spending my whole life finding my way to somewhere uncertain and undefined. I should not expect to see clear signs around either. It’s up to me if I carry a bag full of “maps” or travel light while I take one road at a time. For now, I opt the latter…but I cannot really say, from time to time, I might make use of some maps too.

The Sign?

For these past weeks, I’ve been looking for a sign and been asking Him to talk to me. Yesterday, I attempted to sit down in a chapel for one hour and tried to listen…but nothing happened. I went home, still confused. Yet, hopeful to hear Him along the way…somewhere, somehow.

Came 8pm, we did our usual Tuesday night DVD rentals (50% off) and I was like magnetized to a shelf where I saw a movie…guess what? It’s Conversations with God. Needless to say, I rented it, optimistic to see some signs.

Lo and behold, I wasn’t disappointed:

“Go ahead and do what you really love to do! Do nothing else! You have so little time. How can you think of wasting a moment doing something for a living you don’t like to do? What kind of a living is that? That is not a living, that is a dying!” ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Eureka!

Human Needs

Today, I intend to dedicate my time understanding myself. No one can help me but myself. To some extent, I accuse myself of being ungrateful of all my blessings in life and it makes me feel terrible. Am I awfully ingrate? I should remember how hard life it is for others who are struggling to survive because they can’t even meet their basic needs like food, shelter, etc.

However, speaking of needs, I remember A. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Referring to it, perhaps I shouldn’t be guilty for feeling like this. I concur that we just don’t stop “needing” – if we have food in our table (meeting our physiological need), we seek for security e.g., that we can always have food to eat, etc. and then if we feel secured, we seek to be loved and belong…so on and so forth until we self-actualize.

I might be in the state of wanting to fulfill my “esteem” need now. Yes, I don’t think that I feel fulfilled because I am not achieving something. I am just working for a living. That’s why I want to know what I want and where I am so that I would know where I am going. Maybe I am in the right track after all. However, finding my way through is extremely bewildering.

In the Middle of Nowhere

Have you ever felt the real meaning when you say I feel lost? Right now, I feel it in my bones - big time! I’m tired of hiding this part of me just to go on with life. I’m coming out now. No pretentions.

I am aware that a lot of people may have greater problems than mine and I should feel better! Of course, I am thankful for my life in general…but I think I shouldn’t feel guilty if I say, I, too, have my share of troubles. I reckon that this isn’t about comparing who got the biggest or mundane worries because life is an individual journey. Hence, let me feel what I feel. Let me face my worries. Let me be myself.

So, what is really my problem?

I don’t really know. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know where I am going. I just don’t know. That’s it! I’m lost – in the real sense of the word.

There is one thing I know for sure though – to end this feeling. But how??? There, I’m lost again.

Where is this feeling coming from? There must be a root cause for all these. Is it because I am not happy at work?

Ok, let’s talk about work. Work is not an option for most of us who weren’t born with huge trust fund or something like that. It is a must. No work, no living. However, as of the moment, I ,by chance, have an option not to work. We don’t have kids yet and hubby is earning enough for both of us…So, why don’t I resign then? Pleeeaasseee…I’ve been wanting to do that but I don’t want to do it hastily. I’ve been seriously considering many things. Surely, I can resign from this work if I want to…and then what? There’s my question again. You see, I don’t want to apply randomly to any jobs available. I wish to know what I want to do and where I am going first or else I’ll most probably end up with a predicament like this again.

My CV has a history of career changes already and I don’t want to create the impression that I’m job hopping up to now. Yet, I don’t know if it’s even right to take the time off to sort things out and know what I truly want. There isn’t an assurance that if I hibernate, I will know what I want…and there’s the question of how long would it take for me to find out. What kind of impression would that leave my CV if I don’t work for a time? **sigh**

I'm sooo clueless...

lost in a maze

My 2-week winter break has been a real “retreat” for me - withdrawing from the real world (not totally though) and having my me-time at home. Silence and the internet have been my two best buddies. They made me reflect, ogle, decode, discover, lurk…and now, I feel soooo guilty. Why is that? **thinking** Maybe because I feel so unproductive. What makes one productive then? When one accomplishes something like finishing a task, right? If that’s the case then I should feel productive – I’ve done household chores (did heaps of laundry, been cooking, etc.) but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel fulfilled! Silly me. **sigh**

What’s wrong with me?

Something’s truly bothering me…yes, lately, I’ve been circling about the question of where I’m going (in terms of career, that is). I got innumerable good reasons why I don’t want to pursue teaching here anymore (I’ll try to write about it in another time because it’s a saga) and now that vacation is almost over, I’m in a state of panic-attack simply because I don’t want to go back to work anymore. Waaaaaaaahhhh…

If I don’t go back to work, what will I do then? I wanted to go back to school but I applied late so I failed to enroll on-time for the coming semester. Well, that’s the price of being overly indecisive. I made up my mind the last minute and this is what I got. I actually asked for a GO signal but it wasn’t there or perhaps I looked for it somewhere else or is this the sign? Does no enrolment mean staying in the teaching arena? Omigolly, it’s hard to decipher a sign. I’m truly puzzled now.

I wish life’s uncomplicated like that of children’s. Back then, I would just do the pintot-pintot (kinsa’y nangutot) if I don’t know what to do…But hey, wakey-wakey! That isn’t an option for me now.

Surely, I have concerns about work (unya na lagi kay long story) that’s why I don’t want to go back but I don’t want to give up right away. I am not a quitter!!! Or am I??? One part of me whispers: “Endure this…or just stay until you find another opportunity.” But the other part of me shouts: “You’re not happy! Leave and be merry! (doing nothing?) ”

Oh, what has this vacation done to me! This bumming state has become a comfort zone I guess. Mr. Idle is feeding the enticing scum in my head. Exorcise me! In the name of (love?)…I rebuke you, my lethargic self! Go away! Go away! Go far, far away to Neverland! And please, never come again!

Gosh, trying to fight personal demons is damn arduous! My greatest enemy is myself indeed.