Life, oh! life...

Breaking the silence….

2009-01-31T11:57:00.001+13:00

Duh?! As if I have something juicy to tell hehe…Sooweee, I just feel like putting the title because I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks now. So, what have I been doing? Hmmm…*thinking*…nothing interesting I guess. I was staring at the wall (hubby made me face the wall for being a useless wife…nay, just kidding!) Actually, I was in a state of catatonia: sitting and doing nothing for the longest time tee-hee Well, am I too late to say HAPPY NEW YEAR to all? Sige, Kung Hei Fat Choi nalang okiks?! January is about to end and I feel the need to express my gratitude for the year that was. 2008 was a fantastic year and am truly grateful for all the blessings I/we received…and my TOP 5 are:

My super significant other, Lester – this is the first ever that we spent straight 365 days together as husband and wife (in a foreign land pa) and as time passes, he made me feel more loved each day. Thank you is an understatement. L, I hope and pray that you’ll continue to nurture “us”. Mga temtasyon intawn ipalayo *fingers and toes crossed*

Good health and peace of mind – need not say more.

Family and good friends – My family’s unconditional love and support has always been my source of strength and happiness (aside from hubby). I can’t survive without them.

I am also thankful for my good old friends (since 19-kopong-kopong) whom I have shared my journey with for a loooong time. Thank you for the untiring ears and all =) Keeping in touch with you takes away my melancholic tendencies. Pasensya na, buangon man inyong amiga.

And to my newly found friends (mostly online buddies=) who inspired me in many ways. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and a bit of your life with me. Amidst our crazy world and the increasing wickedness around, you made me see that there are still lots of people with magnanimous hearts and kindred spirits (with exemplary talents pa) Go and multiply!!! hehehe

Permanent Residence Visa – which we received early this year. We are truly thankful that we got it in a breeze. Felt soooo blessed.

Financial blessings – we don’t have all the riches in the world (I don’t want that either) but we have enough to live comfortably and we’re worry-free from credit or debts.

Muchas gracias a Dios! Muchas gracias! This year, I have boundless HOPE and TRUST for all that is come (I fervently pray that our global economy will soon recover from its terrible meltdown )…InshAllah!

to scrimp or not to scrimp???

2008-12-19T10:47:00.001+13:00

My parents are here in NZ for the holidays and our most awaited out-of-town vacation is causing a stir in the house! Weeeeee! Reservations for accommodation, transportation, etc. are all ready…However, when my ever concerned father (who is brilliant on financial matters) saw the print-out of our expected expenses; he suggested that we forgo some of our plans because of the looming crisis ahead. As much as I would like to give in to my innermost desires, I can’t help but admit that he is utterly sensible (as always)!

With the escalating unemployment rate and all economic woes flooding the news anywhere in the globe, it’s hard not to worry about what is in store next year. Sure enough, the crisis can’t be felt that much right now but economists foresee a global financial meltdown after the holidays. Is there really a great depression in sight?

My fingers (and toes) are crossed that bail-out plans (which are all Greek to me) will work their magic. Somehow, I’m dwelling on a wishful thinking that this will only be some sort of recession; just a part of the economy cycles…but yes, I certainly understand that this is a toss-up situation.

And so to scrimp is out of the question already! From now on, I will be officially Ms. Scrimpy (until further notice).

P.S.
Funny how ironic it is: during the times when people aren’t traveling, it is when there are really good holiday packages…Damn principles of supply and demand! Haaay, we are indeed in a world full of ironies! Tsk tsk

Live "the" life

2008-12-18T20:01:00.000+13:00

"All earthly glory is fleeting...” This is what the song reminds me of.

For me, it intensely relates to our world where more and more people are characterized by insatiability; simply because we are awed by, if not obsessed with, riches, fame and power.

I’m not pointing a finger to anyone for I know that NOT only the Kings, presidents and whatnot are guilty of this. Many of us, myself included, have some kind of pride and greed… but whatever and whoever we are, we can either be humble or be humbled in one way or another. Nobody is invincible…

Yes, I’d like to believe that there are greater and better possessions than our material treasures and desires, or even existence. And so this Christmas, let’s give time to reflect on humility, peace and love – all these are imperative for more meaningful Christmas and joyful new year to come

Let’s celebrate life – the kind that He wants us to live. Viva La Vida!

Blessed holidays to everyone!!!

the wonders of GOOGLE =)

2008-12-10T11:46:00.000+13:00

Google has been innovating many applications or whatchamacallit that I find soooo valuable. It has been my favorite search engine long before it became popular and I’ve also been using gmail way back in time when you can’t just sign-up unless you’re invited by another gmail user. Downloading email attachments is made very easy there and very few spams go through it and are filtered anyway. I simply love it!

Their picasa photo editor is also fantastic. It enables me to edit my photos in no time. It’s a powerful tool yet so easy to use…and need I say more about youtube? I guess not…Well, these are just among their many free services/products.

Lately, I am sooo fond of using their STREETMAP. I’ve been taking enjoyable virtual walks at New York’s famous streets and many places in the US, Australia and here in NZ (NZ’s streetmap was just launched recently). Searching for an address is fast too! You don’t even need to put the country anymore. Say, when I put our street address and suburb/city, voila! I immediately got this:

this is exactly it!

looking around...

looking farther...

Whew! Felt like I'm walking outside our street. Really. Amazing eh?! My only comment about it is that they should have taken the street images anytime but winter here. You can’t appreciate the beauty of NZ because it’s gloomy But all in all, it’s truly praiseworthy!

I definitely heart google and I am looking forward to what it has to offer in the near future. I just hope all their products/services remain free hehe

Kudos to google!

Happy Diwali!

2008-10-31T13:09:00.001+13:00

Unique cultures in Asia interest me a lot and Indian is on top of my list. I know India isn’t a popular choice for many Pinoy travelers and I wonder why. Why not? The fact that the renowned yoga and kama sutra originated there is compelling enough for me. It’s one of my MUST see places.

So when I heard that they will be celebrating their festival of light in advance (2weeks ago) here in Auckland, hubby and I were there - needless to say hehe...I'm not sure but it seems like we were the only Pinoys there (snob ba?! hmmm) and of course, there were many Caucasians and other Asians too.

I enjoyed tasting an array of Indian dishes which are mostly vegetarian. I like vegetables, curry and spicy cuisine so you can also expect me to like their dishes too; although there was this drink (I forgot the name) that I found awfully bizarre but worth-tasting anyway. Their bright and colorful costumes (saris, salwars, etc.) gave the festival more vivacity. Their women look really fabulous in it. Now, I acknowledge the fact that many of them are really gorgeous – eyes, nose…pang-Miss Universe jud!…And oh! their distinctive dances truly entertained me too to the point that it made me consider learning it. Mind you, it might look easy on TV (and sometimes funny) but when you look closely, the moves are quite intricate. Look at this sample video; I dare you to do the moves with all the facial expression and grace ha?! hehe…

Anyhoo, here are some photos during the festival

Happy Diwali!

Shalom, Shantih, Salaam, Kapayapaan...Peace Yo!

2008-10-29T12:26:00.000+13:00

It seriously irks me when someone becomes extremely religious as if he/she is saying to your face: “I’m absolutely righteous and you’re not!” – just because he/she never misses a mass, always prays and does all the religious rituals beyond imaginable. Mind you, attitude like this made religion to have caused and still causing wars since time out of mind

Don’t get me wrong, I am not atheist and have nothing against religious people in general BUT the close-minded and self-righteous doctrinaires ggrrrrrrr…for crying out loud!!!

Yes, I was born, raised and have remained a Catholic all these years but I am certainly NOT dogmatic about it…simply because I don’t believe that there is one ‘rightful’ religion for all.

If truth to be told, I’d still admire you albeit you don’t go to church yet you go out in the real world and do genuinely good to your fellowmen. For me, righteousness is all about the quality of goodness in your deeds and NOT on quantity of how often you go to church and pray.

Nonetheless, who will define goodness? Perhaps this is the reason why we created religion in the first place. It is like an organization wherein we try to share and unite our beliefs, principles, etc. so we may have an orthodox of goodness and may set rules for the common good. In analogy, religion is just like a government in one way or another. And just like the government, the trouble begins when one party harasses another party…and worse comes to worst, a war is triggered.

Why is it so hard for us to harmoniously co-exist with all our differences???

During my college days, I remember to have attended several gatherings of Focolare movement wherein we advocate UNITY and PEACE regardless of religion. There, I met believers from various sectors: Catholics (nuns were there too), Seventh Day Adventists, Mormons, and even the agnostics…all were united towards universal brotherhood. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we can all do that?

If you’re with me, sing with me now:

*(1st stanza omitted)

Imagine there's no countries, it isn't hard to do.
Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion (dividing us**) too.
Imagine all the people, living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will be as one.

Imagine no possesions, I wonder if you can.
No need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man.
Imagine all the people, sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

*I omitted it because I still like to believe that there’s heaven and living only for today takes away life’s meaning or purpose, don’t you think?
**Religion is OK as long as it doesn’t destructively divide us

My mortal ENEMY grrrrr...

2008-10-15T10:18:00.000+13:00

It's time to declare WAR against my mortal enemy!!!

Actually, I should say enemies because they’re one heck of a big pesky family forming a formidable coalition and have been harassing me since time immemorial. My lasting scars are the proof to that. This f*** family thrive beneath those endearing and unsuspecting creatures. They’re soooo sneaky that you can’t foresee their impending nastiness.

I thought they won’t bother me here in this paradise-esque land… far from where I first met them…but alas! they’re here!!! #$&*@(#&!!!! I can’t seem to stop myself questioning WHY???? Why here? Why me??? (For the record, they don’t bother hubby. Not at all!) Am I that appealing??? Gosh, that’s totally unflattering!

The hardest part is I can’t just ignore nor forget about them because they are the kind that propagates their lowly species and can seriously devastate the humankind. Their malevolence actually caused the Bubonic plague or The Black Death which killed hundreds of millions of people several centuries ago…and their kind is still enduring up to now. Eradicating them is a long and tedious endeavor. Nevertheless, I shall carry on with my extermination plan.

**itching everywhere** Grrrrrrr...I’m just soooo pissed right now that I can hardly wait to detonate that flea bomb and scream fire in the hole!!!

Those buggers!!! They have surely awakened my wicked instinct to KILL!!!

Strike a pose!

2008-09-30T10:49:00.001+13:00

This is a result of having not much to do on a cold and rainy day. Theme: nabiyaan si lola sa trisikad! lol

Shilly-shally (Shinallan bah???)

2008-09-30T10:43:00.006+13:00

Last night, the movie Lions for Lambs triggered my introspection about many concerns – politics, war, and most all – the issue of making a decision. This is one of the many lines that got me into thinking:

"Professor Stephen Malley: The decisions you make now, bud, can't be changed but with years and years of hard work to redo it... And in those years you become something different. Everybody does as the time passes. You get married, you get into debt... But you're never gonna be the same person you are right now. And promise and potential... It's very fickle, and it just might not be there anymore."

Promise. Potential. Fickleness. Decision. Ahhhhh….bull's eye!

I’ve been here and there in all the four corners of my mind and my brain is going into overdrive as to where am I going. My fickle-mindedness has been annoying me since time immemorial that’s why I’m dragging my feet heavily because I don’t want to jump into a decision unless I’m pretty sure that I left no stone unturned in coming up a choice. This is major, major, major! Whichever way I go, I’m going back to square one.

To some extent, I can say that having no choice is easier because you have to do what you have to do…but I’m not complaining. It’s just complicated but still, having options is without a shred of doubt, favorable.

Darn! It’s tough to be at sea and in uncharted waters. Sink or swim. Of course, I’m choosing the latter but I’m in a quandary of doing butterfly, freestyle or breast stroke. As of the moment, I’m just floating and going nowhere. Tagai ra gud ko ug salva-vida beh! Kakapoy bya!

I know I shouldn’t shilly-shally nor dwell on this floating status for too long. Unsa may akong gihuwat? Pasko??? Hinoon, dool naman…Seriously, I’m incredibly guilt stricken for choosing the easiest way – that is, doing nothing! tsk tsk

Somebody…stop me!

O-Hole

2008-09-19T10:11:00.002+12:00

I always hear that NZ has a great deal of ozone depletion but I haven’t really bothered to look at the reason why. My languid mind just hurriedly hypothesized that the world’s pollution resulted it. Been a bit passive about this matter until this morning when I read the news:

"Ozone hole biggest on record this year"

Instantaneously, it ignited my curiosity…BIGGEST hole as in??? I googled about the matter at once! I’ve learned that ozone hole is actually a seasonal incident that occurs in the earth's atmosphere above Antarctica. And since it's practically our neighbor, NZ is also affected. This is how our planet looks like on September to December (spring to early summer):

Despicably, this can cause:

Skin cancer
Eye damage such as cataracts
Immune system damage
Reduction in phytoplankton in the oceans that forms the basis of all marine food chains including those in Antarctica.
Damage to the DNA in various life-forms

What instigated this?

Correct if I’m wrong, I think my hypothesis is apparently accepted at 0.05 alpha hehe (I dread statistics). I only have very limited knowledge of chemistry but I can see some carbon chuchu that must have initiated this. My low-voltage brainpower cannot reliably decipher the mind-boggling jargons that detailed the phenomenon so read here for more info if you’re keen about it. If you happen to translate those lingoes into a layman’s term, please do share it. I certainly need a brilliant mind like yours to tell me WHY that “hole” happens here when I know for sure that NZ is an environment buff: our garbage won’t be picked up if it’s not properly segregated in the color-coded bins; cars should pass a strict emission test every 6 months; you can also see the very obvious green surrounding and smell the clean air – I should know how pure the air is because I used to have upper respiratory problems (triggered by fumes and dust in Pinas) that didn’t bother me since I arrived here (TG). And Antartica? No person even lives there! Don’t tell me the penguins are the culprits. Baloney!

For crying out loud! WHYYYYY isn’t the hole directly located over the regions that emit most of the smog like Peru, Russia or China (based on National Geographic’s 10 Most Polluted Places). This is like paying for someone else’s debt! It’s soooo unfair I should rant and rave!!!

The scenic beauty of NZ is indubitable and whatta shame if we can’t fully enjoy the outdoors because that o-hole inevitably concerns us too. Haaayyyy sunscreen and dark sunglasses galore nalang mi ani but what about the other life-forms here???

Grrrrrr…**at wits’ end**

My swallowing blues and first ambulance ride

2008-09-16T01:40:00.002+12:00

Last week, after taking a large tablet, I felt it “stuck” in my chest. I have had a tablet-gagging experience before but not like this. This time, it was intense and progressing... As time passed, the pain increased and radiated to my back; it hurt when I moved, shallowed or inhaled. I tried to stay calm, breathed deeply…Yet, despite the attempt to compose myself, I felt my heart beating fast, really fast. Fright was overriding me already. In my mind, I thought of calling emergency if it won’t get better after 10 minutes. At such bad timing, the cordless phone was dead; the battery went out because it wasn’t placed properly overnight. My mobile got no enough load to call either (I rarely use it now). I needed to walk out of the house and get the other phone in our stock room. Slowly, I managed to get it. All the while, the pain endured and so I decided to call 111. Talking made me more uncomfortable so I hang up the phone without much ado and quickly called hubby too. I briefly told him about my condition and said “I love you” which got me really teary-eyed. I questioned: Is this it, Lord? To my surprise, I didn’t panic nor resist. Call it faith or whatever, but the thought of surrendering to His will made me at peace. After 10 minutes, the ambulance came. They monitored my vital signs on our way to the hospital. My legs were wobbly but there was a great relief because oxygen in my blood was fine and my heart was beating fast but steadily. I reckon that I might have choked big time.

To cut to the chase, after 2 hours (definitely, not a short while) of pain, and x-ray exam, the pain gradually vanished. The doctor said it was kind of strange but the good news was: I’m alright…still alive and kicking =) Thank you, Lord.

Another similar but less painful incident happened again tonight with the same tablet. **darn!** Certainly, it is happening while I am writing this but I calmed myself and am waiting for it to disappear so I can have a goodnight sleep. It’s past 1am already =( **sigh**

Goodness! I guess I am ridiculously babyish or freaky to have a tablet-swallowing problem at my age. Oh pleeeeaaasseee don’t laugh at me. I’ve been trying to subjugate my psyche because I know it’s all in the mind – just plain neurosis. I’ve just read about “phagophobia” or fear of swallowing (a psychogenic dysphagia) and I think this is its milder kind. I learned that when I get nervous, the muscles of the neck and throat tense up too thus, enabling this gag reflex.

For many years, I’ve been inconsistent in my attempt to overcome this fear huhu. I can’t recall why or what triggered this trouble. This silly part of me is sooooo enduring tsk tsk

Tomorrow, I’ll try that banana trick. I hope it will work hhhmmmm…**crossing my fingers**

Unpredictable

2008-09-10T15:43:00.005+12:00

I woke up with clear blue skies. I thought it was going to be a perfect day until suddenly (as in superduper unexpected), hail was falling like mad. Hmmmm for a moment, I thought winter was over...maybe not =(

it's raining...ice hmmmm

after 15 minutes the sky is clear again

Haaayyyy...ano ba talaga, kuya?

Winter and Spring

2008-09-09T14:25:00.005+12:00

Winter is officially NOT my cup of tea. Gloomy, cold, wet and the nasty flu is about everywhere. I got red marks surviving it. Most of the time, I was awfully lethargic and I inevitably brought the weather everywhere I went **sigh**...My first winter was truly dreadful but I aspire to weather the “storm” next time. I certainly would not want to be labeled with Seasonal Affective Disorder (winter depression) so I must rise to the occasion hehe.

Thankfully, the gloominess of the sky is gradually bringing back its bluish color and the vivid hues of the surrounding are emerging. Yahooo!!! It’s officially springtime here. Now I know what it really means when you say I am full of the joys of spring =D

While putting away my winter clothes, I’m also ditching Ms. Misery! Impromtu!

Goodbye winter, hello spring!

Ready to go PRO hehe

2008-09-08T14:49:00.000+12:00

Exploring my knack (feel na feel ko naa koy talent haha; feeling lang) in photography was made possible by hubby’s enduring support of my always-finding-something-new-to-do self. We purchased a high-end point and shoot camera a few months ago. I rejected the urge to buy a DSLR because I thought it was overly ambitious to abruptly shift from digital compact camera to DSLR. Aside from the fact that I wasn’t sure if I really have the ability to take awesome photos, there is a $400-500 price difference from what I wanted as well. Hence, we settled for a Canon Powershot S5 IS.

For a moment, I thought I made the right decision but to my dismay, I humbly admit my regrets for not listening to D’s opinion (he should have insisted harhar). I mean yes, it’s a really good camera but after discovering my flair (trying hard) in taking photos, I’ve wanted to do more. My present camera is a disappointment already because of its limited features. If I will sell this in TradeMe (counterpart of ebay in US), I will probably lose around $300 because it’s 2nd hand already. Money spent and lost equals a new DSLR **sigh** if I only listened to hubby…well, lesson learned hehe =D

Now, I’m drooling for Nikon’s entry level D60 that hubby believes I’ll get tired again sooner because of its inadequate features (again?). He is suggesting that I’ll get the mid-level D80 and I sooo get his point therefore I concur; no more qualms about it hehe. But with its whopping price, I feel quite silly to splurge for my hobby and so I am unwearyingly waiting for the price to go down as Nikon just released its new version – the new and improved kickass D90. I wonder when it will be available here in NZ. Perhaps two years later waaaahhhh I hope not! Please lang!

As of now, I’m fidgeting to jump on the DSLR bandwagon…hmmmm patience, patience, please abound =D

Housing in NZ

2008-09-03T16:56:00.014+12:00

I dreamt of buying a house as soon as we get settled here in NZ. Based on my research, NZ has a high percentage of homeowners so I thought that houses are affordable. Well, reality-check, not anymore!!! The influx of immigrants made the value of properties twice as much for the past 5 years. Of course, supply and demand is basic economics so go figure. Although recently, there has been a price slash caused by the dollar depreciation or whatever but the interest for home loans is increasing too. So, it’s still the same story.

Nevertheless, my sister and I tried browsing for some prospect homes because we’re simply pathetic dreamers hehe. And for months of house hunting (kinda window shopping lang), here are my findings:

1. Most houses are old as 40years or more and the designs are not appealing at all. Look!!!

These four houses are the very common "brick-and-tile" homes here. You see it everywhere as if they only have one architect here in NZ before haha! They are called "units" (like duplex) so the land isn't yours alone. Prices for these houses range from $320,000-$400,000 depending on the size/location.

Also very common here are these weatherboard/hardiplank houses which are newer compared to the brick-and-tile style but less durable. Prices are more or less the same.

What do you think??? Omigolly! my dream would turn out to be a nightmare if I spend 30 years of my life paying a monthly amortization of $3000-5000 for one of these unsightly houses (excluding other expenses like property tax, repairs, etc). In short, soooo not worth it!!!

2. Newer or nicer houses usually cost a whopping price of half to a million dollars. Apparently, we can’t afford that!

3. Other nicer houses that are affordable are found in the far-flung or "unsafe" (a la Bronx) areas. Thanks but no thanks!

Hence, this leaves us one choice: stay in the fantasy of owning a house until further notice. Wish the government’s plan to make housing affordable will push through soon or else the exodus of NZ citizens will never end. Living in this magnificent place is becoming more and more expensive now. If this trend continues, perhaps NZ will become the dreamland of the rich only =(

Paradigm shift on happiness =D

2008-08-21T14:48:00.001+12:00

Happiness is something we aim to find, indicative of a goal, an end. Seemingly, we are all in the pursuit of happiness. We seek it or better say, chase it. Chase because it fades away once in a while and tends to be just a temporary state – the so-called ups and downs; a part of life’s paradox, so we say. Every so often, we are inclined to postpone it as well until we get what we think characterizes it – having a better career, supportive parents, a loving spouse, a child, a sexier body, a bigger house, a newer car, more money…whatever it is that we think will please us.

To Kahlil Gibran:

Happiness is a myth we seek,
If manifested surely irks;
Like river speeding to the plain,
On its arrival slows and murks.
For man is happy only in
His aspiration to the heights;
When he attains his goal, he cools
And longs for other distant flights.

My, oh my, I wish I can articulate my thoughts like that hmmm whatta knack! Seriously, I concur to what he means and now I don’t wonder why there are so many unhappy people in this world.

Most of us are like hunters in a magnificent forest. We are apt to put so much effort in the chasing. So focused on our target that we normally miss to stop and smell the fragrant flowers; or fail to notice the colorful trees; neglect to hear the music of the chirping birds; forget to appreciate neither the clean air we breathe nor the abundance of stream that quenches our thirst and gives life to the forest.

If truth to be told, maybe we’ve missed a great deal already all these years. We don’t know for sure…not until we correct our disposition and our perception on the matter.

Haaayyyy, I’m sooo mortified …but it’s never too late anyway =D

Seeing Some Stars =D

2008-08-04T16:37:00.006+12:00

When a stumbling block presented itself, I can’t believe my feebleness. I never knew how fragile I am in facing hindrances and afflictions. Call it fortunate or blessed (I prefer this), but for many years, I have been sheltered from life’s adversities. I mean, I’ve been to ups and downs too but nothing major. Maybe this explains why I went berserk when I encountered this frustrating situation here but I have enough of that pathetic-sounding crisis already! Goodness, I’ve been so melodramatic to oversensationalize that one aspect of my life. When I read my previous rants, I sounded like it’s the end of the world. Silly me! haha...At least, I can laugh about it now.

Although I’m a little guilt-stricken about my idleness but nevertheless, it gave me valuable reflections and self-awareness. And so, I am gradually reviving myself from being stupid and desperate. I have not yet resolved my quandary but I am working on it – this time, proactively.

“I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right.
When you set out on a journey and night covers the road,
you don't conclude the road has vanished…
And how else could we discover the stars?”
~unknown

Good Morning =D

2008-08-02T15:00:00.012+12:00

I was sooo alive and kicking past 1:30am - must be an impact of the overwhelming Batman movie, The Dark Knight. Wow! Heath Ledger was truly phenomenal in his role as the Joker. It’s a shame that we won’t be able to see him portray another exhilarating role. May he rest in peace.

Anyway, on our drive home from the theater, Alanis’ acoustic version of Hand in Pocket was playing in the car. The tranquility of the streets in the wee hours of the morning magnified its rendition (thanks to the kick-ass Kenwood stereo that hubby himself installed with his sweat and all hehe). It wasn’t the first time I heard it but it was the first time that I truly listened to it. OMG, I was soooo struck because I can actually relate to the message; like sensing a “breakthrough” if you know what I mean.

Music and movies are some of the things I can’t live without!

Sweeeetest

2008-07-30T16:10:00.006+12:00

I received something very special the other day. Hubby placed the thingy where I could immediately find it upon waking up. He knows that the first thing I’ll do is turn the laptop on and so it was positioned on top of it. Surprise, surprise! It was sooo unexpected because this is the first card he ever gave to me during our 8 years together. Unbelievable? Well, he wrote me love letters through email so that explains why (pahangyoon nalang hehe)

Here it goes:

To my Mayang, my dearest wife,

Sorry I haven’t been very helpful lately.
I’ve been working with computers too much
that I get frustrated when I cannot solve problems.
Too much interaction with the machine might have made a machine out of me =)

I wish I could just wash your worries away
and repaint the smile on your face.
You’ve once been jolly and full of life;
Somehow worries cloud out the light in you.
I draw my strength from you.
What shakes you, magnifies within me.

I can’t pretend that I know so much about your feelings.
And as much as I wanted to be you hero,
I don’t have the faintest idea.
But I will be there/here for you.
And I will support you in ways that I can.
Don’t worry about it too much.
Let’s live our lives and be happy while we still can.
Our worries will multiply when we have kids.
Till then, no worries.

Know that you are the GREATEST person in my life. You are my world.

Love you very much,
D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was deeply touched **tears and sip-on dripped like mad**

Thank you so much D for all your patience and unwavering support. You’re my strength and my world too. Mwah!!! ** hugs and kisses**

Crazy or Lazy?

2008-07-30T13:55:00.001+12:00

I’ve been really active these days in the “virtual” world, that is – updating my multiply, blogging, learning web layouts, chatting, and so on… The luxury of time is in my hands right now because *uhhmmmm*… I resigned!? Gosh, why am I so reluctant in saying it? The truth is, I’m not sure if that decision is sensible. (ding, ding, ding! guilty!)

My “hopeless” case is causing my self-esteem and sanity to dwindle. That side of my life is too stinky to stick around. So, I just wanted to stop and hope to smell the roses.

Now, I’m just chillaxing (chill+relax) around and having a fabulous time at home; Enjoying every moment of joblessness! It feels great to sleep in my bed, wake up whenever I want and do whatever that suits my fancy. I am good at entertaining myself (my autistic talent) so I don’t feel that being a homebody is a humdrum. Not at all.

In the contrary, as days passed by, this uncanny part of me (a.k.a. conscience?) is condemning my lethargic self because I’ve succumbed to idleness and there’s nothing positive emerging from this hibernation state. It’s like I am escaping and not facing the problem. What am I doing to solve it? Niets. Niente. Nada. Nothing.

Golly, am I going lazy…or crazy??? Neither one is something I can be proud of (but at least it rhymes)…Waaaahhhhh…SOS! or SMS! (Save My Sluggish-self) rather.

Paradox

2008-07-28T12:02:00.005+12:00

Someone forwarded me this message and there's no info about who wrote it. Anyway, I'm just posting this because I find it soooo true:

The paradox of our time in history is that
we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less,
we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families,
more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense,
more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information,
to produce more copies than ever,
but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character,
steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce,
fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies,
and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

Pointless

2008-07-26T21:31:00.000+12:00

Worrying is pointless. Why I am wasting too much time on this? I throw too many questions when I know that I cannot get clear answers. I’ve been looking for signs, believing that I am just like a driver, regulated by traffic lights. Green for go, yellow for slow down and red for stop. Surely, this isn’t the case. I’ve been seeing different colors everywhere. Life isn’t black and white in fact.

If life is a maze then I might be spending my whole life finding my way to somewhere uncertain and undefined. I should not expect to see clear signs around either. It’s up to me if I carry a bag full of “maps” or travel light while I take one road at a time. For now, I opt the latter…but I cannot really say, from time to time, I might make use of some maps too.

The Sign?

2008-07-23T16:43:00.002+12:00

For these past weeks, I’ve been looking for a sign and been asking Him to talk to me. Yesterday, I attempted to sit down in a chapel for one hour and tried to listen…but nothing happened. I went home, still confused. Yet, hopeful to hear Him along the way…somewhere, somehow.

Came 8pm, we did our usual Tuesday night DVD rentals (50% off) and I was like magnetized to a shelf where I saw a movie…guess what? It’s Conversations with God. Needless to say, I rented it, optimistic to see some signs.

Lo and behold, I wasn’t disappointed:

“Go ahead and do what you really love to do! Do nothing else! You have so little time. How can you think of wasting a moment doing something for a living you don’t like to do? What kind of a living is that? That is not a living, that is a dying!” ~ Neale Donald Walsch

Eureka!

Human Needs

2008-07-22T14:00:00.001+12:00

Today, I intend to dedicate my time understanding myself. No one can help me but myself. To some extent, I accuse myself of being ungrateful of all my blessings in life and it makes me feel terrible. Am I awfully ingrate? I should remember how hard life it is for others who are struggling to survive because they can’t even meet their basic needs like food, shelter, etc.

However, speaking of needs, I remember A. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Referring to it, perhaps I shouldn’t be guilty for feeling like this. I concur that we just don’t stop “needing” – if we have food in our table (meeting our physiological need), we seek for security e.g., that we can always have food to eat, etc. and then if we feel secured, we seek to be loved and belong…so on and so forth until we self-actualize.

I might be in the state of wanting to fulfill my “esteem” need now. Yes, I don’t think that I feel fulfilled because I am not achieving something. I am just working for a living. That’s why I want to know what I want and where I am so that I would know where I am going. Maybe I am in the right track after all. However, finding my way through is extremely bewildering.

In the Middle of Nowhere

2008-07-22T11:04:00.003+12:00

Have you ever felt the real meaning when you say I feel lost? Right now, I feel it in my bones - big time! I’m tired of hiding this part of me just to go on with life. I’m coming out now. No pretentions.

I am aware that a lot of people may have greater problems than mine and I should feel better! Of course, I am thankful for my life in general…but I think I shouldn’t feel guilty if I say, I, too, have my share of troubles. I reckon that this isn’t about comparing who got the biggest or mundane worries because life is an individual journey. Hence, let me feel what I feel. Let me face my worries. Let me be myself.

So, what is really my problem?

I don’t really know. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know where I am going. I just don’t know. That’s it! I’m lost – in the real sense of the word.

There is one thing I know for sure though – to end this feeling. But how??? There, I’m lost again.

Where is this feeling coming from? There must be a root cause for all these. Is it because I am not happy at work?

Ok, let’s talk about work. Work is not an option for most of us who weren’t born with huge trust fund or something like that. It is a must. No work, no living. However, as of the moment, I ,by chance, have an option not to work. We don’t have kids yet and hubby is earning enough for both of us…So, why don’t I resign then? Pleeeaasseee…I’ve been wanting to do that but I don’t want to do it hastily. I’ve been seriously considering many things. Surely, I can resign from this work if I want to…and then what? There’s my question again. You see, I don’t want to apply randomly to any jobs available. I wish to know what I want to do and where I am going first or else I’ll most probably end up with a predicament like this again.

My CV has a history of career changes already and I don’t want to create the impression that I’m job hopping up to now. Yet, I don’t know if it’s even right to take the time off to sort things out and know what I truly want. There isn’t an assurance that if I hibernate, I will know what I want…and there’s the question of how long would it take for me to find out. What kind of impression would that leave my CV if I don’t work for a time? **sigh**

I'm sooo clueless...

lost in a maze

2008-07-18T16:05:00.005+12:00

My 2-week winter break has been a real “retreat” for me - withdrawing from the real world (not totally though) and having my me-time at home. Silence and the internet have been my two best buddies. They made me reflect, ogle, decode, discover, lurk…and now, I feel soooo guilty. Why is that? **thinking** Maybe because I feel so unproductive. What makes one productive then? When one accomplishes something like finishing a task, right? If that’s the case then I should feel productive – I’ve done household chores (did heaps of laundry, been cooking, etc.) but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel fulfilled! Silly me. **sigh**

What’s wrong with me?

Something’s truly bothering me…yes, lately, I’ve been circling about the question of where I’m going (in terms of career, that is). I got innumerable good reasons why I don’t want to pursue teaching here anymore (I’ll try to write about it in another time because it’s a saga) and now that vacation is almost over, I’m in a state of panic-attack simply because I don’t want to go back to work anymore. Waaaaaaaahhhh…

If I don’t go back to work, what will I do then? I wanted to go back to school but I applied late so I failed to enroll on-time for the coming semester. Well, that’s the price of being overly indecisive. I made up my mind the last minute and this is what I got. I actually asked for a GO signal but it wasn’t there or perhaps I looked for it somewhere else or is this the sign? Does no enrolment mean staying in the teaching arena? Omigolly, it’s hard to decipher a sign. I’m truly puzzled now.

I wish life’s uncomplicated like that of children’s. Back then, I would just do the pintot-pintot (kinsa’y nangutot) if I don’t know what to do…But hey, wakey-wakey! That isn’t an option for me now.

Surely, I have concerns about work (unya na lagi kay long story) that’s why I don’t want to go back but I don’t want to give up right away. I am not a quitter!!! Or am I??? One part of me whispers: “Endure this…or just stay until you find another opportunity.” But the other part of me shouts: “You’re not happy! Leave and be merry! (doing nothing?) ”

Oh, what has this vacation done to me! This bumming state has become a comfort zone I guess. Mr. Idle is feeding the enticing scum in my head. Exorcise me! In the name of (love?)…I rebuke you, my lethargic self! Go away! Go away! Go far, far away to Neverland! And please, never come again!

Gosh, trying to fight personal demons is damn arduous! My greatest enemy is myself indeed.